I don't know where I am going

I ran into gentleman the other day and he asked me if I was doing Ride the Rockies again this year. Ride the Rockies is a bike ride across Colorado. The route is different every year. I have entered the lottery for this ride with my mom each year and thankfully have been chosen to participate. When I told him yes he proceeded to ask me what the route was. When I told him I had no idea I could feel his disgust. "How could you not know?" he exclaimed. I could feel his thoughts. I knew he thought I was a flake, lacking a little bit in the intelligence department. Truth is, I don't know. And chances are I won't even know after I complete it. Riding my bike is so therapeutic to me because I step out of the world of organization, attention to detail, and have the unique opportunity to clear my head. I truly don't care where I am or where I am going I just care about the challenge and the ability to push myself out of my comfort zone. My goal in completing this tour across the state has nothing to do with the route. It has everything to do with the experiences and the memories that are created along the way. And of course the opportunity to spend a solid week bonding with mom, and whom ever joins us. I may have completed every mountain pass in the state, I am ok with the fact that I may never know. I am proud of myself for not needing the notch on my belt, for me this is a huge accomplishment.

Love note

I met my husband in seventh grade. The first day I saw him I sent him a note that said "I love you." I know that is a little aggressive but I can honestly say from that day forward I have had an infatuation with this man. Joe is an amazing human being. I believe that we cross paths with certain people at certain points in our lives for a reason. We were incredibly young to fall in love, but I know it was meant to be. His unconditional love has at times been frustrating to me. How dare someone love me for simply being me. Thank God that he has, does, and always will. I told Ella I wrote Joe a note to profess my love to him. She couldn't believe I would be so naughty. She told me how forbidden notes are in her class room. Maybe it was or maybe it wasn't my best mom moment but I told her it is rare but sometimes you have got to break the rules.

Night night

I am so exhausted today it is a challenge to keep my eyes open. You know you should probably call it a day when everyone you come across asks what's wrong with you, or takes it personally when you aren't radiant with a cheery disposition. I don't have it in me. My attempt at cleansing only lasted a whopping three days, so thankfully I at least have my coffee crutch to lean on. Moving is such an emotional, physical and mental drain. If you don't see me please don't worry I will just be sleeping for the next three days. Sweet dreams.

Lottery ticket

So when I was waiting in line at the grocery store to buy a lottery ticket from the new big vending machine the lady in front of me was having a hard time purchasing her tickets. She asked me if I knew what she was doing wrong. I told her it was my first time using the machine as well. She laughed, and then asked "why in the heck did you choose today, are you feeling lucky?". I told her quite the contrary, I have been feeling pretty unlucky so it only feels right that I would win the lottery to balance out the universe. She thought that was pretty funny and promised to split her winnings with me if she had a winning ticket. Funny though, she forgot to get my contact info:)
This past week, I mean month, I mean year has been quite a challenge. Our family has made a lot of sacrifices out of love. I asked my daughter if she learned anything from living with grandma this past year. She said, " I learned that it doesn't matter where you live as long as you have a roof over your head. I don't care if it is fancy. My family is where you are."
So it came to no surprise when I scratched my ticket and it revealed that I had broke even. It couldn't have been more perfectly symbolic.
I didn't need to win millions to change my view, I had already won.

Skin

I was kissing my daughters cheek  last night and told her that she had beautiful skin.  I told her I wished my skin was as flawless as hers.  She said, " You had your chance.  I am only eight years old, you are like in your thirties or something." Ouch!!
She is right.  That youthful glow is not something you can get back no matter how many facial treatments you invest in.  Each age spot, fine line, wrinkle, acne scar, or enlarged pore on my face could be considered a flaw.  Or it could be a sign that I have lived. I had my chance, and I took it!

P.s. Any one know where I could get my hands on some Botox.

Grouchy

Is it bad that when I ordered a hot tea instead of a coffee and the barista joked with me instead of just taking my order this morning I kinda wanted to rip his face off?  I am going to go with, yes, that is bad.  I started a cleanse today.  I figured a fresh start for my mind, body, and soul would be good for me.  I think I may be defeating the purpose by starting off with such a bad attitude.  It seems like the crap is coming out through my thoughts instead of the opposite end of my body.  I am sure I can survive, temporarily, without my cup of java.  But, you have been officially warned.  If you like your face....don't mess with me:)

Ravishing

I started wearing lip stick at very young age. My grandma would always apply bright pink or purple lipstick before entering any public place. She never wore any other form of make up but would not go any where without putting on her lips. After she applied She would always allow me to follow suit. I remember feeling so special and so grown up. I am sure I was a sight to see, an eight year old with bright purple lip stick, but I felt beautiful. My grandma always made me feel like I was the most important person in the world.
This past week I came up the stairs after sleeping in late with my children to find my grandma trying to make a fire. There was dark ash all over the carpet. I was panic stricken; afraid of what would have happened if the house had caught fire. Because of this and many other incidents I have sadly come to the realization that my grandmother requires much more care than I am capable of giving. The safety of her and my babies are not worth the risk for us to continue living with her. My heart hurts.
I will always remember my grandma as a woman who loved me with all her heart. She has made a huge impression on who I am as a human being. I have learned more about life and what is truly important in the past year than I ever thought possible. I may not live under the same roof with my grandma but a piece of her will live with me forever. To this day I never go anywhere without my lipgloss, I never will. My grandma said it makes me look ravishing.

Road Trip

My family and I decided to take a spontaneous trip to Denver yesterday.  We hit the road for our 5 hour road trip at 8:30pm.  Crazy?  Absolutely.  Worth it?  Definitely.  I haven't smiled that much in a long time.  We were feeling a little guilty that both Joe and I had to work over Spring Break so we decided to make a last ditch effort to increase the fun factor.  I have created a list of highlights of my favorite moments.  I hate it when I forget those special moments that unfortunately don't make it into the scrap book but are the most magical parts of the trip. 

1.  We pulled into the parking lot of the Aquarium and Tanner says, " Oh my gosh, oh my gosh today is going to be the best day of my life."  You could feel that he truly believed it.

2.  Ella and I were looking at the rattle snakes and I say to her, "if you ever see a rattlesnake in real life you need to run.  They are scary.  She says to me in response.  " Mom, what do you think this is?  This is real life."  Point well taken.

3.  Tanner saw a blue fish in one of the tanks and kept saying, "Look dad it is Doris!"  We figured out he meant Dorie from Finding Nemo.  So precious.  Seriously, why do they have to grow up...... I love those innocent mistakes. 

4.  Watching Ella take pictures of everything she saw.  She thought it was so important to document every part of the trip.

5.  I got to hold one of my best girl friends babies for the first time.  I know how badly she has always wanted a baby girl.  It was so hard for me not to cry.  So happy for her.

6.  I got to talk to my husband.  About nothing in particular but wonderful conversation.  Sometimes a road trip is the best way to reconnect.  I just love him.

I loved our spur of the moment adventure.  I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Brain fart syndrome

My kids started soccer yesterday.  I love soccer season.  When I arrived at Ella's first practice I was excited to see that there was a group of familiar moms.  I was not all that impressed with myself though because I could not remember anyones name. I HATE those moments.  This tends to happen more than I would like it to. I felt like a jerk.  I am blessed in that I get to meet so many people all the time in class but unfortunately it is very hard to keep track.  I have developed a lot of sisters and brothers.  What's up sister?  Has become a common phrase in my vocabulary for which I am ashamed. I think this week I am going to swallow my pride, carry a fricking notebook if I have to ( I know nerdy) and if I really don't know someones name I am going to ask.  Why in the world is that so scary!  I think it is because I am scared for people to think that I don't care enough to remember, honestly I really do care.  I think my brain is just suffering from fart syndrome. 

Pants

So today I went tanning.  My third day in a row.  I normally never tan, but it is my attempt to convince my brain that I traveled somewhere tropical over spring break.  I must say I am looking like I just got back from Mexico, but unfortunately I don't think it was my beautiful tan that was attracting attention today.  After my tan I went back to work and talked to several members, and then ran errands.  When I came home I realized that my pants were inside out.  I had a big ol' tag sticking out the back, seams galore.  REALLY!!  Sometimes I wonder why they let me walk the streets freely.  I am not surprised I embarrassed myself AGAIN,  I think people half expect me to walk around with my pants on wrong.  I guess I should just celebrate the fact that I remembered to put them on!

Stepping up my mom game

So my husband is back in town.  He went to Vegas for a convention.  When he leaves town it is inevitable that I temporarily lose my sanity.  I truly realize how fortunate I am to have a kick ass husband when he is gone. We really do balance each other out as parents.  So when the scale is weighted heavily on my side I develop a panic like state.  Honestly, I think I need to step up my mom game.  I think I may be leaning a little too heavily on my hunk of burning love.  Dang, being a parent is hard!  As soon as I get it figured out I will let you know......................................don't hold your breath.

My brain hurts

I have been having to make a lot of tough decisions lately.  In each situation there is no easy answer.  No matter how you look at the situation there isn't a "good" outcome.  So I have spent a lot of time contemplating whether or not I have done the right thing.  So here is my conclusion.  There is no such thing as the "right" thing.  No matter how much time I go over different scenarios in my head ultimately the circumstances don't change. Lives change whether the coin is flipped heads up or down.  I just have to believe that every decision is meant to end in a certain outcome for the betterment of everyone involved.  Time for me to have a glass of wine:)

It is official, I am losing it!

There is a spider on the loose in the basement.  I couldn't work up the nerve to get close enough to kill it so I am now paying the price because I am unable to sleep.  Every itch has me convinced that the spider, which I must say belongs in a zoo, is trying to eat me and my children. My laptop decided not to work yesterday, my son decided to go take a pee in the bathroom trash can instead of the toilet, and my grandma was having a hard time making a phone call because she was dialing on the T.V. remote control.  No hot water this morning so again no shower for me. (day 3...I know gross) You could say that my patience is being tested.  I apparently have developed a new coping mechanism because in each situation I couldn't stop laughing.  No worries I am not cruel or a bad parent.  I didn't let anyone else see.  But I think when you reach a point where the trials and tribulations in your life become this ridiculous. What the heck else can you do.  It is official I am losing my mind, but at least I am going out with a smile on my face.

Little Brother

Tomorrow is my brother's birthday.  Sometimes watching my daughter and son makes me feel like I am living my life all over again through different eyes.  I remember growing up feeling like my brother was the most annoying person on the planet.  That he was purposefully trying to do whatever he could to make me miserable.  I was really hard on him.  Being a big sister is tough.  I watch Ella get so frustrated with Tanner and part of me feels so much compassion for her.  As naughty as my son can be sometimes all he really ever wants is attention.  And most of the time whether it is positive or negative he is craving it from his big sister.  He looks up to her so much. Almost everyday Tanner tries to give her a present, or tell her she is beautiful, or tells her that he loves her more than anything in the world.  It makes my heart melt.  Ella rolls her eyes.  Although, as much as she claims to be annoyed constantly by her brother when he is not around all she talks about is how she wonders what he is doing.  If we are at the store she always points out things Tanner would like.  And if she asks for candy she always grabs some for her brother as well without influence.  As much as my children fight they also show an incredible amount of love for each other.  They will cuddle watching movies together.  Ella will be the first to stick up for Tanner if she sees someone being mean to him.    And sometimes watching them play or dance together you would find it hard to believe they ever fought.  I love listening to them make each other laugh.  I can't imagine a life without my brother.  The bond I have with him is so hard to explain because it is so different from any other relationship I have ever had.  When I am around him I still kind of want to pinch him but in the same moment I want to tell him how incredibly proud of him I am.  I know without a doubt he would always be there for me and vice versa.  If Ella and Tanner only knew how incredibly lucky they are to have each other.  I pray that someday they will be just as close as my brother and I are.  I love him more than I could ever put into words.

Selfish

Sometimes I don't share my gum with my kids.  I drink a latte every day.  I make sure I get a work out in everyday that I want to.  Girls night out at least once a month is a must.  I buy at least one thing for myself every time I get the opportunity to go to a Lu Lu Lemon store.  I don't let other people pick my daughter up from school for play dates because it is normally the only alone time I get to spend with her.  And, I watch the Today show every morning instead of cartoons. You could say I am selfish.....and proud to be so.  I had a conversation with a friend of mine this week.  She was telling me that her mother never added cream to her coffee until she found out she had Lou Gehrig's disease.  I think that statement will stick with me the rest of my life.  I want to enjoy the little things in life.  Why not enjoy each day as if it was your last?  By choosing  to be a little selfish and bring joy into our lives we can then turn around and bring more joy to others.