Purpose

I just received an email from one of our instructors that just went through her first round of chemo therapy.  She was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She has been sending updates on a weekly basis to keep those close to her informed about her health and well being after her diagnosis.  Each time I have read the update she has sent I have smiled from ear to ear.  Strange right.  You would think that receiving this weekly update would be heart wrenching.  Quite the opposite actually.  She has been so optimistic, upbeat and honest.  This week she sent a message describing that she is going to attend a conference to be a wellness coach for other women that are going through breast cancer, and that she believes that this may be the plan that was intended for her.  How incredibly inspiring is that?  Sometimes through our greatest pains in life we discover the path we are supposed to travel to truly serve our lives greatest purpose.  Before she found out she had breast cancer and had to come off of our schedule she was one of our most popular instructors.  She had packed classes in a 7:25am time slot, a time I honestly would have never thought would draw a large crowd.  It was crowded because of her.  Her passion, her knowledge, warmth, motivation and her inner beauty are contagious.  When I think of all the women that I know this woman will touch on such a deep level after enduring this experience how could you not smile.

Scary

I have been told recently that I am scary.  I attended a up skill training in my profession in which they asked us to identify one word that would make you sad if you felt like someone would use this word to describe you.  My word was Scary. 

My passion is group fitness.  I love it because of the inclusiveness, and the energy that is created in a room of people working hard to achieve a common goal.  I pride myself on my abilities to push people out of their comfort zones.  To help them reach their goals physically and mentally.  I feel like in this lifetime I have been given a gift to instill and cultivate passion for health in others.  The last emotion in the world I would want to create in people is fear. 

My fitness journey started 10 years ago.  During pregnancy with my daughter I gained 80 pounds.  I lost about 10 pounds after delivery but kept a good amount of weight on my small frame for a year after my first child’s birth.  I was an emotional eater.  I had struggled with depression throughout my short life span.  I developed a layer of fat over my body to hide from issues that I was too afraid to face.  I had moved back to the town that I had grown up in during the final months of my pregnancy.  I had on different occasions come across people I had grown up with, family friends who could no longer recognize me because of my dyed dark hair and my changed body.  Part of me felt comfort in that. Part of me liked the anonymity I didn’t want to be recognized as the blonde haired cheerleader from my past. I struggled with that former version of myself.  At the risk of sounding arrogant I struggled with the pressure that beauty can put on a person.  I felt like people had preconceived notions about who I was as a person. I also wasn’t the person I wanted to be in my youth.  I made bad decisions. I hurt people.  I didn’t like the legacy I created for myself. I was and still am always compared to my mother, who is gorgeous, but people always strangely tell me how I am not quite as pretty as she is.  For these and other reasons too personal to mention for me beauty equaled disgust. I knew though that the life style I had created for my self wasn’t making me feel better about myself and it was certainly not the type of life that I wanted to role model for my daughter.

Thankfully I started working at the kids club at a gym in town, so I could work and bring my daughter with me.   At first I didn’t even work out.  When working at a gym the last place I wanted to go was back to the gym.  I hated working out so that was the best excuse in the world for me.  My mother encouraged me to go with her to a 5:00am spin class with the premise of, if you work out before your day starts you will have no way to put it off.  I hated the experience.  The first class I went to I went up to a bike and started to adjust the settings.  A woman came up to me, obviously upset, and said “that is my bike.”  I explained to her that I didn’t realize that people had certain bikes.  She went on to tell me that it was important for her to have that bike because of its position in relation to the fans.  I was mortified.  Class hadn’t even started and I already screwed up.  During the class I felt like a failure.  Everyone in the class knew my mom and I was embarrassed for her that she had to bring in her fat daughter.  I couldn’t even do 20 minutes worth of work in the class with out feeling like I was going to throw up.  My butt felt like it was on fire because of the uncomfortable seat.  I didn’t want to go back. 

I let my butt heal one day and then decided to try again.  Everyone kept telling me this was what was to be expected in a spin class.  One day was not enough time.  I hopped back in the saddle of the bike and wanted to scream.  I couldn’t imagine why people would choose to put them selves through this and with a smile and what seemed to be a tremendous amount of joy.  In fact, the second class I went to my mom explained to me that you had to go 30 minutes early to class to even get a bike.  4:30am??!!?? I secretly thought she was nuts.  I quickly realized why this second class was so popular.  The instructor came in and it was clear she had an amazing relationship with the class.  They loved her.  She commanded the room before she even put on the music.  She had the best music.  It wasn’t even music I would have picked out, but when she played it her passion for it was contagious.  She did exude a lot of bravado, but I liked it.  I needed someone confident to pull me through the life I created for myself.  She made the class fun.  I forgot about how badly my butt hurt and found myself actually having a great time.  After that class I attended every class she taught on the schedule.  She not only inspired me in the class she would talk to me afterward and we became really good friends.   To this day I question if it weren’t for that positive experience in that second class I took I wonder where my life would be today.  

I think that is why I am so worried about being thought of as scary.   I know that attending one class created a path for me that I cherish.  I would never want to intimidate someone and stunt one’s ability to move forward in their fitness journey.  I can honestly say I love the way I feel now.  I feel comfortable in my skin.  I enjoy my life.  I want more than anything to share this feeling with as many people as possible.  I feel in my heart it is one of my life’s great purposes.  The last thing I want to do is get in my own way.  Hearing that I am scary is resonating true to me.  I need to make some shifts and find balance.  I pride myself on being “hard core.”  I even have a pair of sneakers that have the words “hard core” imprinted on them.  I need to go back to my roots and tap in to the girl I once was entering in to a class the first time.  I know a lot of people come to my classes because they enjoy the challenge, members who like to be pushed to a place that they feel that they could not reach on their own.  I trust in my abilities as an instructor that I can reach a place where I am no longer intimidating. I don’t want to swing too far in the other direction and take away from the experience of those who want and need the push but the goal I am setting for myself is to be warm.  I want to host a class that is well rounded.  That people feel welcome and leave challenged and inspired.  I want my first impressions to be thoughtful, and when people talk about me and my class I want the first word they think of to be “inspiring”.  I know that is the way I felt after I had my first positive group exercise experience.  I am forever grateful. 

I have had issues with image and the way in which I am perceived my whole life.  In my life I am warm, calm, thoughtful, strong, and full of energy.  It is only fair for my class to experience all parts of my personality and not just expose them to certain sides of myself.  The only way to change ones perception of you, in my opinion is through action.  Despite the fact that my classes are full, I know that I have not reached my full potential, I know I have room for a tremendous amount of growth.  I am so thankful that someone told me they were scared of my class. I know I will have better experiences in every class I teach. I know I will be able to authentically take care of every member in my class.   I know what it feels like to attend a class for the first time and not know what to expect.  I need to be brave enough to go back to the beginning.

I Love Muppets

When I was in college I still collected stuffed animals of the Sesame Street characters.  Looking back now I am sure my room mate was probably scared that she was rooming with someone with the intelligence of a preschooler when I pulled each plush toy out of the moving box.  I will admit, I feel like I was a late bloomer in the maturity department, but I still believe I have a very child like spirit.  I still hold on to a very strong fondness to the characters on Sesame Street and of course The Muppets.  I think I watched the show so much growing up the team of puppets half raised me. Honestly, I was much more excited than my children to go see the Muppet movie that just came out.  It may be immature, but the dry sense of humor, the underdog story, and the sheer odd placement of puppets whose characters make absolutely no sense  interacting with humans just makes me smile.  As quirky as I have always felt about my love for these characters it appears I am not alone.  At the movie theatre today my children were the only kids there.  During the movie, my daughter was shocked because adults all around her sang "The Rainbow Connection," as it appeared on the screen.  It seems like the impact of these shows not only touched my heart but also many others as well.  So I may have grown up enough to not collect the toys but I still feel like a little girl when I see my family of puppets on screen.

A very special class

 Almost eight years ago now, I decided to make a life style change.  I gained 80 pounds during my pregnancy with my daughter Ella.  I kept the weight on for a year after her birth.  The one thing that motivated me to live a healthier life more than anything else was that I wanted to be a better role model for my children.  Yesterday, my 6 year old son Tanner attended one of my group exercise classes.  Not only did he attend the class he did extremely well.  And he took the class with joy.  He was smiling from ear to ear from start to finish and he took it very seriously.  There were moments throughout the class that I had to fight back tears.  It was such a special experience.  When I was at my heaviest I hated exercise.  I was too embarrassed to go to the gym.  I never in a million years would of thought that I would be teaching classes.  To have the ability to share group exercise with one of my kids, the very reason I chose to make a change, meant the world to me.  It truly was one of the highlights of my life.

Inked

I have 3 tattoos.  I actually love all of them, absolutely no regret.
The first one I got when I was 17.  Yes, that is illegal. I am such a rebel.  I got it with my close friends in high school.  We all got the same thing, a flower on the inside of our ankle.  I think about my girl friends every time I look at it.  The second I got the day after I got married.  It was actually my husbands idea.   It was so unlike him at the time to want to do something so spontaneous and crazy so of course I tattooed his name on my derriere gladly.  The third I got on my 30th birthday.  It is a yin yang symbol on my waist.  I thought it would be wise to have the symbol of balance on my body since it is something that I constantly struggle with. It also was a celebration of the relationship I have with my husband.  I know our relationship thrives because our differences complement each other.  Honestly, I put it on my waist because I was proud of myself for maintaining my weight.  I knew I would never be heavy again.  I love my fitness lifestyle  so it was a reward of sorts for my hard work.
I love the way tattoos look.  I love the stories behind them.  I love how rebellious I felt each time I got one.  I know my skin will start to droop and the colors will inevitably fade, but the memories behind each moment are permanently ingrained.

MY FACE

A colony of pimples are taking over part of my face.  Driving me absolutely bonkers!!!  Every time I complain to my husband he looks at me warmly and says why don't you go see a professional.  Great advice actually, I should go see a professional.  I have consulted nearly all of my friends as well, who all have painfully beautiful skin I might ad, who have all given me wonderful advice as well.  So why, with all this valuable information have I not acted.  Not one of my friends recommended that I go to the local vitamin store and invest in supplements that supposedly control breakouts, but that is what I chose to do.  Why!!! My friends have beautiful skin, they hold the answer, and yet I choose a different path.  I could blame my fierce independence, or my laziness for a quick fix, or my frustration for past poor advice.  I have pondered the thought that I am destined to a life stuck in puberty.  I know this is not the first time I have struggled with a situation and instead of doing something about it, I complain... sometimes even to the point of tears.  So what am I getting out of it.  Why choose to allow boils to take over my face.  I don't take the next step ALOT because I fear the result.  So many of my friends recommend that I take birth control to control my hormones thus controlling breakouts.  I am afraid that I will forget to take them.  LAME!  That simple, that stupid, that maddening.  But really, whether it be my puss face or any other situation, fear of failure seems to always be the nasty villain at the end of the equation.  So today I vow to start poppin birth control pills.  My complexion no longer deserves to be punished for my unwillingness to face my fears.

Shark Attack

Last night I was watching Ella and Tanner playing together.  Tanner got a new toy that has a boat and a shark.  In the middle of their game Tanner stopped and told Ella that if she really got eaten by a shark he would jump in the water and try to save her but if he didn't live that would be O.k. because he didn't want to live without his sister.  Naturally this thought as a mother was extremely disturbing to me.  And, of course as a mother the thought has not left my head.  I explained to Tanner that if he was ever in a situation where someone he loved was in danger, it is  a brave thought to try and save them, but really it is better to try and get help.  The last thing someone he loved would want would be for him to put his life at risk as well.  Ella responded, "You have to admit mom, siblings change your life, I can't imagine a life without Tanner."  I watch them argue all day long, but then I watch them express to each other true confessions of love.  I feel like the relationship between siblings growing up is so special.  There is no editing, if they annoy one another they make it perfectly known.  They express authentic emotions, whether it be mad, sad, happy, or disappointed but if upset they always work it out and genuinely forgive each other. They embrace and accept each other for who they are.  So it is no surprise to me that they can't imagine a life without the other.  It is real true love.